The Dennis Moore Story
by Tonerz
Summary: This is not from a Python movie, this is a Fic based on a skit from the TV Series, please don't get mad at me, FF.Net does not have a Monty Python Section in "TV SHOWS" So You see my Dilemma, Dennis Moore Stole Lupines from the Rich and Gave them to the P
1. The Beginning!

The Dennis Moore Story  
  
Hi Kids, This is your old pal Tonerz!, This is a song about a whale NO! This is a Fan Fic about The skit Dennis Moore! Don't remember? You will soon, I did not write this first of all. It was written by my brother Joshua Van Meter and Stepfather Glenn Petzold. But When I asked if I can take credit for it. They both said "Sure, whatever" So here we go!  
  
Disclaimer: This story Gets very very odd. But It helps if you read it aloud. It's funnier. I own nothing but a Computer and lots of time on my hands.  
  
Chapter 1. The Beginning!  
  
It was April 22, 1790, 6:29 A.M. when Dennis Raymond Moore was born in the deep forests of Leeds, England. Dennis was an ugly child with warts on his forehead and nose and pimples on his face that would never go away. His family was poor. Not poor as in "Less Money" More like poor as in "No Money, Nada, Zip, Zilch." Dennis lived in a shoddy little hut and all he could eat was dirt because his family was so poor. Dennis never went to school because his family couldn't afford it, so Dennis was as dumb as a bowl of sludge. Dennis had fourteen brothers and twenty-one sisters and eleven skinny, ugly dogs that loved to kill anything that smelled like someone's feet. When Dennis was 12, he stole two books from the public library because he was too poor to purchase a library card. Those two books were Robin Hood and How to Grow Lupines: The English Way. Dennis read those books over and over and over and over again for 5 long years. He then learned the skill of stealing from the rich to give to the poor and he also learned how to grow lupines and became highly fond of them.  
He became more than fond of lupines he became obsessed with lupines, he made a bed out of lupines. He made lupine bath soap, lupine toothpaste, lupine stew, and all his clothes were made out of lupine flowers. But tragedy struck the Moore family, especially hit hard was Dennis Moore. It seems that a strange killer disease attacked Dennis' lupine patch and it destroyed all his Lupine flowers. Dennis Moore was devastated, he cried for days; he became a raving madman. He got a dead lupine stalk and commenced a terrible beating of his old despondent pop. He nearly beat him to death but stopped shy of murder because he had plans for his crusty ma. He ground up some dead lupine leaves and grabbed a large funnel and began to fill up the funnel with crushed lupine leaves. He then rammed the neck of the funnel down his ma's throat. He nearly choked his ma to death on dry lupine leaves. He was going insane now, but without warning he stopped feeding his ma and removed the 2-foot long funnel from his ma's throat. He looked up at the sky and screamed "I have an idea: I have a plan to steal lupines from the rich and give them to the poor!"  
So he stole a horse from the village horse ranch. He packed some Spam and a book on how to keep saying "No time to lose!" Then he hired some singers to sing a song whenever he was riding his horse. It went something like this.  
  
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, Riding through the night,  
Soon every lupine will be in his mighty hand,  
He'll steal them from the rich,  
And give them to the poor,  
Mr. Moore, shut the door, stupid whore!  
  
As he started across the countryside it began to rain cats and dogs. In between Dennis' dodging of the falling cats and dogs, he once again heard his band Les Brown 25 singing the second verse:  
  
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, Riding through the night,  
Dennis Moore, is so poor, he's never wrong he's right,  
He'll steal people's dots,  
Because he draws a lot,  
Dennis Moore, sweep the floor, drink some Coors!  
  
He yelled "QUIET!" to Les Brown 25 and continued to gallop through the woods treading the falling cats and dogs.  
Then suddenly, Ronald Reagan jumped out of the bushes and started to eat jellybeans. Dennis hated jellybeans so he ran over Ron with his horse whom he called "Mr. Ed". Also Dennis found out ol' Ronnie was hiding some lupines! "That wasn't very smart of you Ronnie!" he said to the old fart. So he force feeded some Spam down Reagan's throat. Reagan choked on the Mystery Meat and died. Dennis then set off for Edenbrick castle for he knew that the castle carried a humongous supply of…Yes, you guessed it! LUPINES! "Come on Mr. Ed, we have 'No Time to Lose'!" shouted Dennis. As he was riding, the singers sung the third verse of The Ballad of Dennis Moore.  
  
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, Riding through the night!  
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, You'll never find your kite!  
He steals from the rich, and gives to the poor,  
Dennis Moore, he's a bore, screw that whore!  
  
As Dennis approached Edenbrick castle he broke wind. It stunk so bad it made Mr. Ed vomit and made a large Oak tree collapsed because the fart was so strong the tree wilted and died. Dennis Moore had a real bad fart problem because all he ate were lupines, which caused great rottage of the butt and colon, internal pain and intestinal gravy leakage through his B.V.D. s. The stain was great.   
  
After Mr. Ed had stopped vomiting the continued to Edenbrick castle. When they reached the castle gates, a large Giraffe was thrown over the castle wall at Dennis Moore. Horrified at the sight of near doom, he hid under the belly of Mr. Ed. Mr. Ed looked up but it was too late to move but Mr. Ed did speak. He said "Oh my god…Shit!" Just then the Giraffe crashed onto Mr. Ed's back breaking it in half causing a "V" shape to form on it's carcass. The blunt of the force was absorbed by Mr. Ed's back that shielded Dennis from certain death. So Mr. Ed lay dead with a giraffe on top of him. "Too bad." Said Dennis Moore. Just then the singing started up again. It was the 4th verse of The Ballad of Dennis Moore:  
  
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, Riding through the night,   
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, Did you drink Bud Light?   
He drinks in a bar, 'Cause he has no car,   
Dennis Moore, Slam the door, You have sores.  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH! What will happen when Dennis Finally Enters the Castle of Edenbrick? Can you Stand the Suspense?? Did you get this far without puking?!  
Wait for Chapter 2!....Unless it's already there, then in that case, GO NOW!!!! 


	2. After the Beginning!

As Dennis got up he went to a giant gate which was a solid wood door. He pounded and pounded on the door and finally after hours the door opened and there stood The God of Lupines, King Lupus Dufus of Edenbrick. Dennis Moore said to the mighty king "Give me Lupines or give me death!" The King Dufus said "No way Jose" and started to close the big door on Dennis Moore when suddenly…  
  
The mighty king had a MASSIVE heart attack and fell off the drawbridge into the royal moat that was infested with vegetarian Alligators. Dennis could not stop laughing at the sight before him. Unfortunately the king, before he plunged to his death, pulled a lever that raised the drawbridge. So Dennis decided to build a huge catapult with the help of his long-time friend, Mr. Bill. He then got into the catapult and shot himself into a window of the castle. This was to be his first Lupine robbery. Before Ol' Dennis crashed through the window, a royal party was going on.  
  
As he crashed through the window, the royal guests were shocked and frightened as this stranger with a mask stood defiantly before the royal clan. Dennis hollered "I am here! Give me what I seek." Just then, a court jester said "Stand and deliver what you seek." And another woman spoke out "Who in the hell are you?" Dennis replied "I am Dennis Moore, the famous Lupine robber!" The crowd laughed and said "There are no lupines here, but maybe over there." "WHERE?" screamed Dennis "WHERE ARE YOUR LUPINES?" "Over there, in the Royal Lupine Cabinet." Dennis ripped open the cabinet and found his reward: Thousands of Lupines of all different colors. Dennis gasped "Hark! Hark! Bark! Lark! I want a Clarke Bar." Just then the royal party told Dennis to get his damn lupines and leave the castle at once never to return! Dennis said "I will return for more lupines! I WILL RAPE THIS SAVAGE LAND OF ALL ITS LUPINES! Then I'll return the home of the poor and feed my bastard parents NOTHING BUT LUPINES! Farewell my fools, I'll be back." said Dennis Moore.  
  
Just then, the royal party started to sing the 5th verse of The Ballad of Dennis Moore.  
  
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore,  
Riding through the night,  
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore,  
You have a stupid plight,  
Stealing from the rich,  
You are a stupid bitch,  
Dennis Moore, He feeds the poor, His pants he tore.  
  
So Dennis leaped from the window and did a beautiful full gained with a double twist dive into the water surrounding the castle. Suddenly, there had appeared three  
judges: Judge Harcourt Fenton Mudd, Judge Joseph A. Wapner, and Judge Leroy Jackson Browne. They all smiled and gave Dennis Moore all 10s. Dennis shot them the bird and farted. Dennis hurriedly left the scene on foot with his royal bag of lupines.  
  
As Dennis Moore headed into the woods to search for more lupines he realized he needed another horse. Meanwhile his band was not far behind humming his tune. Suddenly to his amazement he came across a strange site. There hanging with a rope around its neck was a horse dangling from a tree. Apparently the horse was hung by an angry lynch mob, for evil deeds committed by the horse. Dennis rushed to the horse's aid and cut the rope just in the nick of time to save the horse's life. The horse was grateful and nodded his approval of Dennis. Dennis decided to call his horse "Garth", so Dennis and Garth headed towards the next castle, which was called "Joe". As they approached the Castle of Joe, Dennis stopped to smell the roses. Once again Dennis pounded on the door until his fists were bloodied. Finally the door opened and there stood a man dressed in a woman's bra. Dennis demanded "All lupines at once or you will be killed." The she/male pointed to the barn. Dennis screamed "I do not want any bloody hay, I want lupines!"   
  
Once again the faggot pointed towards the barn. Dennis immediately shot the fag without blinking an eye. But then, Dennis smelled the scent of lupines and it was coming from the barn. As Dennis entered the barn he could not believe his eyes. There stacked up on the roof were 100 million lupines. Dennis dropped to his knees and praised the God of Refried Beans for this bountiful harvest of lupines. So Dennis found a large cart and loaded all the lupines into it. He connected the cart to his horse Garth using industrial size nails. Garth grimaced in pain but did nothing because he was still thankful to Dennis for saving his life. So the soon left the Castle of Joe and headed south towards another castle. This castle was called The Castle of Spam. Meanwhile the band started to sing yet another verse.  
  
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore,  
Riding through the night,  
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore,  
You've killed with all your might,  
Rob by the day, Kill by the night,  
Dennis Moore, Pound the door  
Please rob some more.  
  
So the stupid bitch headed off to the castle of Spam. While riding for an hour, Dennis stopped his horse Garth because he needed to take a piss. While he was urinating on the fresh flowers, the angry lynch mob had tracked Garth down. Using a portable guillotine, the mob chopped Garth's head clean off. The lynch mob had fled the scene just as Dennis turned around. He was horrified at the sight he saw before him. Once again, Dennis had no horse. This was irritating to him and the Castle of Spam was 1,000,000 miles away! So Dennis started to find the lynch mob who had slaughtered his meal ticket to more Lupines. He finally found the mob at a hot dog stand eating pizza (???). He took out his trusty '44 Magnum and blasted the mob to kingdom come.   
  
All that was left was a horse. So he took the horse and set off for the Castle of Spam. He named the horse "Concorde". He arrived at the castle. This time, he put a horse alarm on Concorde so he wouldn't get killed. He knocked on the door and immediately the door opened and 2,000 Vikings ran over Dennis. As Dennis got up, those Vikings started to sing. "Stupid Viking bastards!" Dennis shouted. He entered the castle and shouted "Stand and deliver! Your life or your lupines!" surprisingly, no one answered. But one person spoke; this person was The Duke of Mystery Meat. He said to Dennis "We don't have any lupines, but we do have tons and tons of great-tasting, lip-smacking, scrumptious SPAM!"   
  
This angered the stupid bitch. So Dennis got out his trusty Uzi Machine Gun and blew away the lowly duke. Then, he started to act like Rambo by shooting up the whole castle. The castle was about to collapse when the same Vikings ran over Dennis again. But they weren't trying to stop Dennis, instead they were headed for the castle pantry that had nothing but Orange Soda and yes, you guessed it again: SPAM! As the Vikings were headed for the pantry, the Vikings were chanting "Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Where's the Spaaaaaaaam, We want the Spaaaaaaaaaaaam." Meanwhile, Dennis was wearily getting up. He exited the stinking castle of Spam and quickly got on his horse and rode off. The Dennis Moore Singers were running out of ideas for verses to The Ballad of Dennis Moore so they decided to wing it.  
  
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, Dum dum dum the night,  
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, Dum dum dum dum light,  
He steals dum dum dum,  
And dum da-da da dee,  
Dennis dum, Dennis dee, dum dum dum.  
  
----------------------------  
  
Are you dead yet? If not then wait patiently for chapter 3! 


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